About Me :) – anonchic

This section is about me.

What I was, what I am, what I want to be and what I don’t want to be.

Memories

What I was isn’t the same as what I am right now. So, let’s start with the history and how things have changed over the years, what has been memorable — things I loved and hope to continue and things I cannot, things I didn’t like and would like to change and things so vague I cannot put them in a bin yet.
My memories can be very biased but that just shows my priorities. There’s a lot more to me than what I know, which others might be a better judge of than I am.

My most memorable memories from school times always revolved around playing and weather. Good weather = more playtime, power cuts = more playtime, holidays = more playtime. Whatever it took to have more playtime, I did. However, I did enjoy doing other things not involving play. Reading books, watching TV, napping for no reason and karate. Karate was fun on it’s own and I got to do a lot of new things because of it. And the days I was off, I would aimlessly go around trying a lot of sports and having more fun. And rushing back home after school to not miss my show. And rushing off to play once it did. As the 10th board exams approached, it was a lot of reading mixed with a lot of reading comics in addition to TV. And a lot of skipping classes with friends to do *drum roll* nothing.

What a boring life. 11th would seem even more boring since there wasn’t even that excitement left. However, as time progressed, we found better things to do than nothing. Chatting before classes, finding new places to eat and going on a window shopping spree. Not to mention getting into a lot of fights (which took place in school as well, but more dramatic since it’s high school). Moreover, it was a lot of travelling and waiting for other people to turn up and the space between places is something to remember. Exam time meant going to places which weren’t school, a lot of exams and prep material all over the place and me turning into a nocturnal being to avoid humans. And the very first long break where I wasn’t playing or doing anything worthwhile other than lazing days away.

And then, college happened. Every semester was a completely different me. The very first sem, it was me just figuring out college, hating people, hating life and channeling all that into my coursework. Which, though a bad coping mechanism, did wonders to my grade. Second semester was a genuine curiosity towards life and channeling that into various aspects – trying out new sports and clubs, working on interesting topics for study and going on long walks by myself and often to the gym (fighting and avoiding the dogs). The summer break was me figuring out coding and back to hating life. Third semester was the time to look into social circles and having a few friends with a lot of friends made it easier to know more people. I also found very interesting humanities which I loved and I still read up on. Winter break was me interning at my mum’s office because she can’t code and I love food (I will do anything for a good food bribe). Fourth semester on was a downhill of confusion with coursework electives and the wait for the summer internship. Summer internship wasn’t in the best location but was good enough. Fifth and sixth semester were a fast paced, crazy mix of my maxing out my coursework, playing volleyball, studing and applying for internships. Seventh semester was the final internship starting from summer till winter. New place, new rules, new things to learn and new things to question.

Coming back and sitting on it, trying out random things until I started grad school. Grad school went by in a flash because of COVID but a lot of things happened. I started moving around places, started trying to meet people proactively and realised I could do coursework tougher than I thought I could. But, the lack of in-person stuff wasn’t something I missed. Rather, it gave me the time to sit back and re-think what’s necessary and what’s optional.

Cue graduation and a lot of moving around, figuring out a job in Florida, starting a new one in Ohio and then now in California. Living with others, living with your friends and living with yourself. Lot’s to write about and considering these experiences are more recent, they’re more vivid too.

However, these experiences feel most distant than any other experiences I’ve had. And I’m still yet to figure out why.

Have’s and Am’s

This section is all about me in the present — Have’s being the things that definitely will not change and Am’s being things that most probably will not change (based on history and forecasting). Am’s could be changed if I really strive for it though.

Have’s

Can’t change my height, complexion and things like hair color yet. So, being a big eyed, petite person has definitely made an impact in my life along with short fluffy hair which can range from black to brown based on the amount of sun I get. So does my skin go from fair to tan. All these combined, it feels like a description of a pomerian, and maybe that should be my representation!

Personality is that of a curious cat, stubborn and both aggressive when needed and laid back when not. Work hard, Chill hard. Another aspect is my infinite energy which needs to be channeled into multiple activities to feel something of a normalcy. I’m every sensitive but also very stupid. I see a lot of signals but can’t make heads or tails out of it. Once that’s in line, I’ll probably have a clear-headedness I keep looking for. I also like pretty things, shiny things, cute and colorful things. This can be extended to music, food, movement and work too. I like everything which screams aesthetic. And I’m dedicated to make my life so.

Am’s

Starting with my name (after so long into the intro??), my name is Dipika, but also I’m called Chichi by peeps who know me well. I could change my name and ask to be called differently, but I like it, so I’ll just put it here.

Behaviour wise, I like doing a lot of things and am excited about little things. I am what people call a “hobby-hopper”. But, what I’ve noticed is that I don’t leave something behind when I go to the next thing, I carry it along with me, add it to my repetoire which I can come back later to when I feel like it. And it has come to my help when I need it, long after it’s prime is supposed to be gone according to people who stick to one thing. *shrugs* To each, their own. Other than that, I’m an extreme minimalist, being as efficient as possible, cramming in as much as possible into life. I am also very clever and fast at doing things (maybe comes with the necessity for efficiency?). I’m a calm person both by birth and learning that non-calmness doesn’t really help. But also, I can get stagnated from too much analysis-paralysis. Less thinkings, more acting on it from now on.

I have an extremely active lifestyle and am on my feet almost all day. I go to the gym, walk around in the evenings and dance when I’m bored. I love music and everything that involves music. Music and Movement are my primal needs which I’m not going to give up. And I love food, way too much, more than necessary. This is a WIP to make it a thing for sustenance and not entertainment. Getting there, slowly.

“What would I rather be?” is probably a question which might come up from time to time and this section is a good place to ask that. Things can be hard to change but not impossible. Being bolder and more opiniated isn’t something I’m used to as an engineer but as a philosopher, it is a necessity! Same with my weight which I’m working on (almost there!!).

Needs and Wants

Aligning with the previous section, there are some things you need to go through your life and some things which are nice to have. The nice-to-have things can be aligned with your am’s or have’s to make it better. Or not, just cherries on the top.

The question to ask here is “Is it aligned or misaligned to my needs?“. The next question to ask is “What is it misaligned to? Will it be an impact?” since some needs and wants can be conflicting with some have’s and am’s. A cost-benefit analysis would be needed if that action is to be undertaken or not.

A detail to notice is that I’ve used the word “action” to describe a need or a want. Sometimes, a need or a want can be a one time thing. Like a bucket list. I will have those in my Gangalam List!

This section is formatted in the form of What – Why – How. Starting with the action itself, then why I do that or why I would like to do that and finally, how I do that or plan to accomplish it.

Needs

I need variety. I am a person who cannot eat the same thing every day, unfortunately. Similarly, I cannot do the same thing every day too. I either need to find variety within the types of activities I do or variety within the activity itself. As a curious person, I have the ‘Shiny Object Syndrome’ where I get distracted by anything new. However, the more you see, the more you create buckets. And new things aren’t as shiny anymore. This has not only helped me stick to activities but also get better at them!

❰I like my job since it has a lot of variety to it. The things I do change and even in one thing, I try to focus on different aspects of it to find something new❱

I need my mental calm. I am a calm person and if I don’t have peace of mind, I will go crazy. I don’t like high-stimulation environments and get tired quickly if these are directed toward me. I get easily stressed. I notice I get irritated very easily over everything when I’m stressed (duh…). However, it’s an internal state and not an external one. So, I could be in the centre of a crowd and not feel anything if I’m cool with myself. And like everything in life, this is a spectrum. I’m mostly on a 3-4 where 0 is the calmest and 10 is going ape-crazy. I would love it to be a 0-1 most of the time.

❰How am I going to achieve it? I’m not too sure. Meditation, maybe? ❱

For better or for worse, I need a routine. I thought I was this free-flowing stream of water which shouldn’t be contained in a box. But it turns out, I am a free-flowing stream of water which needs a direction. I have way too much time on my hands and if I don’t plan things to do, I will end up confused like a lost puppy in the park. And since planning takes time, it’s easier to have a routine instead of creating a schedule every day. Since I do so many things, I did (and probably will do in the near future too) have a hard time creating a routine which would cater to my needs. Routine ≠ Schedule. So, I have a rhythm which is fixed but the melody can change.

❰As of writing this, I’m trying out [waking up not too early] -> [Exercise] -> [Work] -> [Exercise] -> [Walking] -> [Fun] -> [Sleep].❱

Adding on to the routine part, even though I like to do a hundred different things, I can’t do more than one thing at a time to completion. “Completion” is the thing needed for me to be able to let one activity go. And only after that, can start another one. So, I need to learn to define when is something considered complete.

❰If I’m doing multiple activities, completion doesn’t have to be finishing a task. It can be a set period of time, number of repetitions or just go all out and finish it or do it till I can’t do it anymore. One good piece of advice I’ve gotten is to do the tough things in the morning, new things in regular intervals and things you’re good at can be done in bursts.❱

The next few are simple. I need movement, I need company and I need greenery. I think these are similar needs for all humans. My scale for them is slightly off. I’m happy with a lesser company than most and a lot more movement than others. I was really into sports and martial arts when I was young, and played outside enough with people to get all of the above without even thinking. Now that I’m on my own, I need to find ways this can be done every day.

❰I’ve been going to the gym but to add some spice, I’ve started dancing and it’s real fun! Going for a walk on the trail near my house is another thing I do to say hi to the trees and get some sun and fresh air. And working together with people makes work less boring and it’s easier to work for longer too!❱

Wants

I want to get better at relaxing and staying in the moment. This is my primary focus until I can say I’ve got it on the top of my head. The why is pretty clear since this directly aligns with my needs. I’m practising being more present and also actively relaxing every day. I think it’s working. Just like all things in life, even this will take consistent persistent practice.

I want to do a lot of new things and have a wide variety of experiences. Easier said than done. In a world where people specializing seems to be the “in” thing, it’s hard to justify a wide range of experience. However, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I don’t even have to justify myself. I want to touch everything I want to. I might not know if it will make me happy or not, so all I can do is to experiment. What I choose to do is not random but can and will change over time. When picking something to do, I now make sure it aligns with my needs more than my wants and that makes it easier to start off with it. And finally, sticking to it for a long enough time to make sure I don’t like it because it’s not my thing rather than because I suck at it.

I want to be able to face any problem head-on. I procrastinate a lot when I’m not sure what to do. And I have the tendency to go for the toughest things there are out there without even the basic skill required to do it. Being able to jump into the deep end involves me actually doing the thing I find challenging, but also:
1. Clearing excuses to not do it
2. Getting familiar with it
3. Removing any obstacles and friction which might prevent me from doing it
4. Breaking it into smaller and simpler steps
5. Starting small and keeping expectations low
6. Learning from feedback

I want to get better at archery. This is the experiment I have decided is the best to start off with to see if I can stick to one thing or not. It has a lot of checkmarks with my needs — I like the relaxation archery gives me, I like walking in the open, I like weapons (haha) and most importantly, I like the aggressive-calm chase of a good score. I do a lot of things needed for this already, so it’s more of re-routing the work I do rather than re-work or new work.

In no particular order, the other things I want to try/ have been working on:

Eating well: 90% of my complaints are around a) eating too much b) not eating the right foods, c) being too tired or d) all of the above. So, if there was one thing I could do to improve my quality of life, that would be to learn to eat better.
Breakdancing: A drift from martial arts since I don’t have sparring partners. Lots of exercise, music and movement involved. And also overcoming the fear of falling! Talk about facing things head-on!
Drums: Name an instrument I haven’t tried! Nothing stuck to me as well as I wanted to. Playing the drums was my mum’s suggestion to let go of my energy and calm me down. Sounds very reasonable. Haven’t started. Will do it sometime soon!
Singing: Same as above plus the breathwork calms me down so much! Different means, same ends.
Losing weight: This one started off as purely for health reasons. Continued it for more comfort but now, it’s pure vanity. Unlike all this time, I do have a solid plan and the skills needed to go forward.
Dressing well: Vanity again. And I like pretty things! Makes a good impression too
Speaking and acting: Being very sensitive, it might be a good way to channel my emotions. It’s just a guess though. Haven’t tried it out yet. Also, being in a role which is client-facing, having a good speech never hurts!
Better storytelling: I like drawing and writing, so I would want to get better at telling the story to communicate better.

Would’s, Could’s and Should’s

I will keep this section short since what has happened has happened and what did not did not. All I can do is focus on the present. However, remembering a few things I would’ve done, could’ve done and the things I think I should be doing is nice as long as it doesn’t take my entire mental space.

I would have focused more on learning stuff from the actual basics rather than haphazardly trying to finish it. I should be trying to be more patient when I do things.
I would’ve done more. Period. I do think I do a lot but I feel like I should be doing more too. Understanding if I could, I would and if I can, I will is a decent place to start. And adding things slowly will make it slow but also less overwhelming.
I would’ve not trusted people blindly and have done my own research. I’m still lazy when it comes to doing my research but I remember that I should be doing it.
I would’ve talked to more people. It’s hard. It takes time. I forget. I should start small and take it from there. If it’s sustainable it’s good, if not, it’s okay too.
I would’ve been more present. The entire COVID time flew away in three business days. It is how it is. I should be persistent when it comes to doing it until it sticks.
I could have been braver and more competitive. All I can do is try from now.
I couldn’t have been more persistent. It’ll stick. Someday.

Things are going well and if I had to summarize, it’s me being patient, persistent, consistent, content and courageous. And doing things the way to align with these qualities. This section will be updated as time goes on to reflect the same and things get added/changed/removed.