Last week has been an interesting week. I don’t really remember much because I was sleeping so much. It was either work or coming back, reading something and going to sleep. I finally finished 1984 and I’m pleasantly surprised about the ending. I expected the ending to be positive, but it turned out completely dystopian. Spoiler alert? Whatever. Sleeping a lot, even on the weekends seems to have refreshed me a lot, in a way I hadn’t realized I needed it, till now. It also helps to tell myself whatever “to-dos I have in my head aren’t all important as my brain makes it out to be. In that sense, there’s no goal to reach. If not that, what does your moment by moment look like if not for an ambition. Chasing freedom sounds so contradictory an idea, I wonder what it truly means to be free — does one get shackled by ambition? Being on calls at work and reading at home — apart from that, I feel bery bery distracted — almost lost in a different land.
A feeling has no description has no evocation. Can you feel sad if you say “sad”? Can you feel an emotion like a spell if you call it on? Names don’t do justice to the raw feeling running though your veins. Seeing a cat being run over isn’t the same as saying “I’m shocked”. Seeing the protagonist being caught when you expect him to change the world isn’t a feeling which you can describe in a single word. A piece of music evokes emotions as variable as a color of the sky. It could be blue, pink or orange — it could a mix of all, clouds which pass by, and more. It’s different every day, every moment. So, how do you describe the emotions it brings out? The quieter you become, the more you can hear. How to verbalize them is something I can worry about after feeling them out.
The whole story started with me having a couple weird dreams. My dreams have always been strange, uncanny, as far from realism as possible. However, sometimes you have dreams so strange that reality could never match — and yet it touches reality in every way. Feelings move into dreams and feelings slip out of dreams. Daytime brakes get removed at night break as you fall asleep. Fear, uncertainty and confusion are just terms — they don’t describe the reality of the feelings. Jumping out of a jet plane is scary too. Yet, it’s not the same as being a dream, seeing a dark alley so cramped — black to the eye into which people walk into without a speck of light. The feeling isn’t plain confusion… It’s a confusion questioning the rationality of the reality — why would someone walk into the dangerous darkness? When you question the world of the dreams, you question life itself… When you turn on the flashlight, you realize why walking into the darkness is the better of the options. You learn ignorance is bliss. You understand why the passerby pedestrians decided to be vanish into the alley. You decide they were right. Yet, it doesn’t answer the question ‘Why?’. Why does that alley exist? With multiple parallel roads, why choose that? Why did I choose that? Why does such a world exist where you ride upside down, going against gravity — it’s still real, it still makes sense in terms of physics. What doesn’t make sense is why would you want to do it that way, and not any other way.
The fear and the confusion isn’t about the plot of the story, it’s about the existence of the story. My emotions run high from the existence of a parallel reality in my head — a reality which isn’t real. I’ve been thinking a lot on this — how what we think isn’t real, we construct our own reality in our heads from our interactions with the world. Similarly, we live with our dreams in our heads without ever touching the world. It’s strange how we can twist reality so perfectly that we can live in an alternate existence.
The whole story reminded me of the song, yume no mata yume and Madoka Magica — both strange and nostalgic. I need a term for the feeling when you start questioning the reason for an action. Why does the song run like that? Why does the show go the way it goes. Were they high?
In contrast, I’ve also been thinking how comfortable life is — doing nothing literally takes nothing. Walking is sweet. Beds are comfy and blankets are cozy. My room’s cool and pleasant all the time coz central AC is on 24/7. Good music is in plenty for every mood. Friends to chat with. Good food to eat. The list is endless. Out of all the things on the list, it’s so important to have people in your life who not only see for what you are, but also all the things that you could be.
Another random story is how I was asked my a building janitor if I was the youngest in the office. I told it might not be case since there’s interns. She told “Oh, but you’re the cutest of all here!”. HAHA.
RANDOM THINGS I DID
I’ve been resting a lot lately — I went to read in the park the other day, took a lil nap a while ago and just… chilling, napping, stretching. It’s just that I need to make sure I throw the keep the mental to-dos for another day.
Decided to watch a couple mystery/horror stuff on Netflix — I wasn’t happy at all. Too dragged out, no story. It was a meh experience. At least I watched something 🤷🏻
Been writing, singing, playing keyboard and reading stuff! There’s a fire lit in my heart 😽
Killing tasks on the hitlist!
Practicing archery in the park (I’m not hitting anyone, ‘kay?) is as soothing as shooting at the range. Weird…
ENTERTAINMENT
1984 [Book]
Conjuring [Movie]