I am a nervous system – very nervous, all the time.
What do I want to do? What do I feel? When to push? vs. When to take a step back? It’s always a great question to ask. This needs an answer from within you and that leads to another question — how to know what you feel? And what to do when your body feels like it has a mind of its own? Cue my coach, who’s given me some great ideas on learning to listen to my thoughts and my body. Everyone has 24 hours a day. My days just feel longer than I’d like them to be. It’s too much time. That just says how I don’t want to do or think anything. Or, that I don’t know what I want to do or think. Fluttering in the sky, lost in life. At least we have a tame problem to solve, one like a soft cat sitting on our laps — uncomfortable, yet a fun experience. So, we have to look at this from two angles which converge into one. First, let’s start from the obvious one (not the root cause of course). The feeling of not knowing what you want to do, at a higher level, with not much going on in the background. For days like that, when you wonder if you’re questioning yourself, the best way is to tell yourself ‘This is the <thought> …” plus an “and this is a <truer thought …>”. As simple as that. “I am tired, and I want to go out”, “I want to work, and I need a break”, etc… for examples. It doesn’t mean the first thought is wrong. It means that the first thought, which is automatic is allowed to be. You don’t force yourself to suppress the thought or force yourself to rewrite it. All you do it to acknowledge the automatic thought (which probably has been around for way too long to track) and move on to the newer thought which you’ve noticed suits the current situation. Sometimes, there’s contradictory thoughts in your head. So, you don’t know what is right and which thought to follow.
Acknowledging all of them is the first step to stop a civil war. And just being aware of all of them along with the present moment will let your brain and body respond rather than react. Now that we’ve talked about how knowing what you feel is important to prevent conflicts between thoughts and feelings, we have to talk about how you feel. We know that thoughts and feelings have a history which is hard to dig. And that thoughts are easy to decipher. “I don’t feel like doing this” is easy to understand. Why you don’t feel like doing the task is harder. What is the hardest for me is to even decide if I want to do something or not. Do I want to go out or stay in? Do I want to read or write? Simple questions like these can take me forever to decide. I need to learn how to decide. It’s not being indecisive, it’s being confused. To pull myself out of that confusion, I was given a simple exercise. Yes, No, Maybe. Think of something which is a strong yes, then a strong no and a maybe. Then see where you feel it in the body. And when you want to decide on something, see where to feel it. For me, a strong yes is in the heart, a strong no is in the throat and maybe is in the head. Have regular check ins to see how it feels in the body. How do you feel when you ask yourself “Do you want to drink water?” or “Do you want to go skating?” Have regular check ins to see how it feels in the body. How do you feel when you ask yourself “Do you want to drink water?” or “Do you want to go skating?”. I’ve seen that even with the hesitations or the confusion, there’s a clear answer. Sometimes, it could be a maybe. Try it out in a mild setting. Is it leaning towards yes or no? Do more of it or less. How does it feel now? What’s going on in your body? For physical feelings, it’s confusing. Why am I aching? Why am I exhausted? Why am I sore? Am I hungry? Why does my heart race?
Something I remind myself all the time is that thoughts and emotions aren’t imaginary or elusive. They need a body to play out. They have an effect on the body which is too real. Thinking too much can give me a headache. Getting too emotional can drain me out and knock me into a deep slumber. The gag which is repeated throughout this story is that everything has an unknown origin for all good measures. So, it’s pointless to ask why and useful to ask what. Be nice and curious. Notice them without forcing change on it. What’s going on? How does it feel? What are you thinking? Help the feeling out. Legs are sore? Massage them, touch them, hold them. Heart’s racing? Clench it tighter, be there for it. Don’t know if you’re tired or hungry? Try the “Yes, No, Maybe” on sleep and food. Does sleep smell tasty? Or food feels relaxing? Test it out, it’s okay to start with a maybe. See where you lean. Don’t know whether to push through or rest? Alternate between both and see how long you can stick with something before you stop liking it. Rather than seeing the world as black or white, or even one specific shade of gray, realize it’s a spectrum on which one can fluctuate from one end to another end within moments. Keep asking what shade of gray you are!
That leads to the next part, how can the body and brain respond on its own without us thinking or forcing? The flesh holds many memories than we can recall. So, the best way is to let the body do its thing and tell us what makes us tick. Then we have the choice to either follow it or make a new choice. It’s hard to hear when drowned in noise. Similarly, to listen to the body’s message, we have to be relaxed. There’s two ways stress shows up in my body — either I’m too excited that I can’t sit still, or I’m too drained out from the excitement that I don’t feel like doing anything — and both of them are equally unproductive as well as emotionally uncomfortable. For the high energy state, the best solution is to move and release the energy physically. Dance, shake, run, jump, go for a walk! For the low energy state, it’s good to do something, even if it’s small, something to get the ball rolling and slowly it’ll snowball. Or maybe, just do NOTHING… Write one line, go out for coffee, hum off tune, shake your limbs, do one pushup! Finally, it’s important to not get into the extremes in the first place. The way to do it is to keep constant check-ins to see how you think and feel. For the thoughts and feelings to evolve, you need to have feedback to show that the current experience differs from the past and the previous patterns aren’t useful anymore. You have to sit with the feelings with impassionate attentive curiosity, not adding any judgement lest it contaminate the pure experience. Don’t shoot the messenger, listen to the message. Ask them what message they bring, listen to them. Maybe the pain asks you go slow, maybe the boredom is asking you to go fast. Notice that the thoughts, feelings and emotions aren’t the reflection of reality most of the time. Tell yourself statements that resonate with your reality. Tell yourself “Just do it” when you think it’s too hard and you have an itch to do it, tell yourself “Let it go” when you’re ruminating too much and you know it’s not a big deal, tell yourself “Everything’s alright” when you make a mistake, and you know it’s not worth beating yourself up. Affirmations which are true and resonate do make a difference. When things are hard, remember what you cherish — the memories that you love, the emotions which make you feel good, parts of the body which feel pleasant or neutral. Have them around as a resting point in life. Don’t hold on to them forever, for there will be change. Live in the present, one moment at a time — the only way out is through!
TL; DR
For your body, [1] help it out by being on top of your stress relieving exercises. [2] See your reactions when you ask yourself if you like something or not. Is it a Yes, No or a Maybe. [3] If you’re high on energy, shake and dance it out.
For your mind, [1] focus on telling yourself the story you want to live. To be spontaneous and free, “Just Do It” is a great one. [2] If you have a negative thought, instead of forcing change, tell yourself “this and <a truer statement>”. [3] Keep regular checks on your mental, physical and emotional energies and act accordingly.
For your heart, [1] Help the physical feelings out with gentle touches and exaggerated gestures. [2] Immediately do something when it comes to mind, even if it’s a minute. Don’t ignore the creative urges. [3] When you’re low on energy, start something small and fun.
P. S. To top it off, it always helps to have clear goals that you can comprehend and crush. And to try to get only a little better every day, just 1%.