HELLO! I had a greatish weekend. And a great week. I’ve been feeling very on the edge with my feelings and it’s been a hard time to get used to the feelings. I’ve been thinking — if I don’t feel, how will I be able to translate whatever I’ve felt and seen into words I can put down?
I’ve been thinking on what I like doing. My brain goes “I don’t want to do this”, “I don’t want to do that” and so on. Saying these aren’t the things I want to do is so restricting in terms of what’s actually possible. You gotta sit with yourself and listen to the answer of what’s a yes and not just no’s to the generic things that come to your brain. And IG the anxiety of “this isn’t what I want to do” is basically a strong aversion towards the thing I think I ‘need’ to do. So, the question again becomes what do I actually want. Noting it down, when I have such feelings is a great way to start seeing what I like and what I don’t. I see people giving all they can and still doing great as great, so I think it’s not about ignoring one task to go to another but to give a 100% to everything that you need to work on. So there’s some anxiety there over not having clarity. What I need to do is to be strict with my task list and carefree with doing the thing itself — not taking it too seriously and focus on doing it rather than finishing it perfectly.
So, I kinda like being alone until I don’t — I like being around people, until I don’t. I like doing my thing until I don’t. I think that’s a good thing to have variation, you can’t be in one single state all the time. The end goal is to not be completely isolated from the world or getting too lost in my own head if you leave me be. So, it’s not a wrong feeling. I gotta help it out rather than hate it, fight it and hide it. I feel it’s going to be essential and immensely helpful to be able to understand myself better and dictate my day before my body tells me I’m out of gas.
RANDOM THINGS I DID
Other than that, sometimes things happen which do suck the air out of you leaving you feeling like a wrinkly deflated balloon fading away in the hot sun. Some things are in your hands and some things aren’t in your hands. You just gotta move through all the cycles of the sun in the stars. Let’s try out best to be in all of the constellations. I got to meet by BITSian friends for a board games night, celebrated a birthday by the Harbor Front, and met someone’s cat called Bear over the weekend haha. It was so cute. The cat which visits me in the park still visits me and greets me. Very well behaved, very gentlemanly, very… demure. HAHAHHA, had to do it. Went to the CNE and a football game with my colleagues which was extra fun in the week. I’m surprised how I’m not tired doing so much every single day. Well, I do have to recover on the weekends. I’ve been enjoying doing my worksheets after work (haha) and I’m enjoying reading the books I brought from library. I’m enjoying my sorry excuse of archery practice (even though I didn’t go to the range when the weather was doing good), I’m enjoying talking a lot to my friends. I do focus more on the negatives when I’m feeling negative. And I think it’s important not to brush things off. What’s the most important is to hope for the best while being prepared for the worst. And not overthinking beyond that. I’ve been given interesting tips from different people — to turn off the thinking switch, to take risks, to be prepared and to be relaxed. Such contradicting advices, but if you dig deeper, they’re all the same — to contain my imagination only to my writings. I think it’s a good idea to delve deeper into writing so that my delusions don’t flow into the real world. I just have a wild imagination. I just need to accept that sometimes sitting in the park and doing nothing isn’t that bad of a deal.
ENTERTAINMENT
The Union [Movie]